Nick's Journal
One of my favorite types of social outing (to the surprise of no one who has worked with me) is either directly one-on-one with a person, or in a small group setting (3-6 MAX) where the whole group is reasonably close in nature and can be open with each other – and even that can be too large and difficult to organize correctly.
The reason I vastly prefer these types of interactions is due to the absolute rampant Social Masking that takes place in society these days. These outings are one of the few places I find that people are able to ditch their Social Masks and where we can connect as our authentic selves – which I find to be a more valuable experience than anything else in life, period. I would not trade a lifetime of those interactions for $100 Billion, and I have no qualms in saying this.
One of the concepts that you learn as you grow is the importance of mimicry and power dynamics in a group setting, and how they can come to completely dominate your individual character, the ‘true you’. Everyone (some more than others, but EVERYONE) seeks social approval. There are studies after studies showing the significant impact on someone’s well-being that can be wreaked through social isolation.
One of the simpler studies, but one that demonstrates the concept very well, was done through a video game in which participants thought they were playing with 4 other player characters (they were actually 4 programmed AI characters). The game’s design was to simply pass the ball back and forth between the various characters. The test subjects in the group where the game was designed specifically to avoid passing the ball to the human player test subject had dramatically worse moods and emotional states at the end of the game, and during the testing period, than in those where it was designed to be fair and equal (and the most positive moods of all where it favored the human character).
What these fundamental desires and cravings then reinforce in people is how important it is to fit into a group. People begin to learn early in life how to intuitively recognize those who are dominant in a social setting and to seek their approval. They do this by mirroring their views, by hiding any of their own that might cause conflict, by donning a Social Mask. And it is increasingly rare to find spaces in society that fight against these forces. When society says it is being inclusive these days it is the furthest thing from it – inclusive to those who have an ‘acceptable’ view, who align entirely to those ‘acceptable’ views with no exceptions – and then completely tyrannical and exclusionary to any who have a different opinion. As if life's most complex topics were somehow simplistic and black and white instead of the incredibly nuanced and ten thousand different shades that they truly are.
The older you are, the more you have lived through different points in time, while young people will have only the smaller window of their own experience to draw from. I grew up in a time when there was not nearly so dominant a social blanket on everyday life. These political or social views were simply not deemed particularly important by anyone, and not nearly as important as a person’s character - they were a very small part of your life. What was most important was: were they a person who you could largely trust that their actions would align with their statements, that would own up to their mistakes – someone you would want in your life, basically? And so, people had far more freedom to express themselves and to learn and understand each other’s viewpoints rather than simply adopt an established and tyrannical societal imposition. This different childhood is probably why I am comparatively more open than most (too open?!).
In today’s society you are instead operating in incredibly hostile partisan environments. Liberal and conservative views are in extreme conflict with each other, with the other side viewed as completely incompatible, despite the fact they normally share the vast majority of values and beliefs, outside of the few contentious areas. There is an ongoing and increasing escalating conflict between the two, forcing every aspect of society to ‘take a side’ due to this power struggle underway.
Neutrality is not an option, its jailhouse politics and pick a side or get shivved. Sports leagues are forced to take social positions on personal choice issues, instead of simply playing sports.
Nowadays, you basically are completely surrounded by society’s demand for you to comply with its views and as a result your real self (who you don’t even have a chance to know anymore as you can barely explore that self) will scream silently behind your Social Mask, unable to truly express itself.
In some ways Canada is in far better shape than the United States, largely because our culture and government is not nearly as influential and is not quite so adept at exerting its will - but this is still getting worse with each passing year. And it's not just politics that is impacting this, it is the incredibly pervasive nature of social media. Online trends are global now whereas no such concept existed when I was growing up, you could simply be 'you', not worry about whether it conformed with TikTok's opinion on what 'you' should be. There was far less of a 'common' culture as you weren't inundated with a highly tailored feed of content that both influenced and guided your views on issues - you were free to develop your own character in a far less structured way.
My wish for all of you is that you learn to truly push back on these forces and pressures, that you find those groups of folks that create the space for your Mask to come off. There finally appears to be a raising awareness of the dangers of this lack of tolerance for other viewpoints. The more we can all lend our support to this, the better off we will all be. People can have a different opinion and not be viewed as an 'other'. The more you can accept individual differences in others (you can make your own choices but neither you nor they can force the other to share them), the more spaces you can create where people can feel comfortable and capable of being themselves and then the more such spaces all of us can then have.
In a one-on-one setting, where I can better challenge myself to hear the other person, to take off my own mask as near completely as I am able to, so as to signal to them the ability to do the same, but then to listen and let THEM influence ME, these are the settings where I find I truly begin to connect with and understand the other person (and to understand my actual self in many ways, not just the one I need to pretend to be for social success - this is where all the real growth and connection occurs).
I view one of the largest responsibilities that comes with ‘privilege’ or basically a position of power or influence, is to use it to create that space for others, for those under your influence. I know that deep down, we all wish we never had to wear a mask at all, so every step we can take in that direction is a step I am happy to fight for. In fact, there may be no more important fight to be found.
I have commented to a few of you that you run the risk of being elitist, and it is to this issue that I am usually referring. Sometimes people grow up in households of violence, of crime, of abuse. They have trauma and pain that is miles deep. To simply judge them because of these learned behaviors, these survival mechanisms that they developed in the harshest of environments, while you yourselves came from a place of far safer and caring backgrounds is to hold yourself to a terribly low standard and not one from which you should be proud.
There ARE flawed people out there, there are even completely irredeemable people - I am not naive. Some of them will take the opportunity to inflict harm when you open yourself up, either with malice or due to their learned behavior. I prefer to end up with those final judgments on peoples' character when I have at least exhausted my efforts to end up elsewhere, rather than to start there.
As always, fight the good fight - you'll be a far better person for it, and it's the other person who is responsible for their actions if they continue with behaviors that are ultimately not acceptable. It's how you will find the people that surprise you, the people that actually change and grow, the ones who will be your most important connections, those precious few.
Much love as always,
Nick
Quote:
Keeping with this week's theme
"I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness and the willingness to remain vulnerable." - Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Songs:
This one is a gem - lyrics and all - sometimes you already have what you are think you are missing
"I saw a spark in the distant Fallen stars and in an instant I left my whole life behind I climbed it all, every mountain Big and small but every question Left my heart unsatisfied But every turn I took Unlocked just what I couldn't A secret combination deep inside I had to search the world to find what I was missing But I never found what I was looking for I followed all the signs back to the beginning And I finally see what you have always known That I'm already home"
AMIDY & HALIENE - Already Home