Nick's Journal
Okay. This week we’ll do Grace. This one seems to be dying a quick death in the modern world with the younger folks. Stabby short-sighted motherfuckers all of you for the most part – hopefully less so after you read this. I kid, of course. Somewhat.
So – what is Grace? That word has many meanings but I’m focusing on essentially ‘giving people the benefit of the doubt’. When I think through my typical day now, I’m much better on the ‘fucking up’ side of things than I was when I was young. What that means though is that I still fuck up something, at least one something and usually multiple somethings, each and every single day. I fuck up a conversation with my wife. I fuck up a teaching moment with my children. I fuck up an interaction with my boss. I let someone down who deserved better from me.
I’m selfish, I’m egotistical, I’m rude and ignorant. I take a shortcut and demand, rather than take time to bring someone along for the journey. I simply go after something I want, other’s feelings be damned (boy do I ever). Each and every day.
Guess what though? So do each of you. If anyone is reading this right now and thinking that they have a moral high ground on their friends and family (I'll grant you that you have the moral high ground on me), just realize how absolutely dangerous it is to think that way. It’s a very common ‘gatekeeper’ tactic and basically is used to police social hierarchies and decide who is ‘acceptable’ and who is ‘not’, to exert control on others. It is an awful trap to fall into and will prevent you from growth.
When you claim a moral high ground you are placing yourself above someone else, and placing yourself in a position of judgment. “How could you do that, I would never do that?! Those of us in THIS group are better than that”. You elevate your status above theirs by using this dynamic, you grant yourself the control to expel others from the group - you essentially assert dominance. The thing is though, you WOULD do that, you DO do that, and past a certain age everyone begins to understand that.
Your moral high ground becomes a crutch that you use to put yourself above others, but it stops being effective and starts being extremely negative. People worth a damn see through your bullshit and hypocrisy and it loses all its power. You will slowly whittle away at those around you by necessity, as no one lives up to perfection over time, going down a purity spiral while telling yourself false narratives.
This works for a period of time, usually until you are around 25-30. At that point though, people live enough of life to stop buying into fairy tales and facades of total perfection. The world does what it does and teaches them reality, harshly. They meet their heroes and they come out the other end of that experience a little more jaded, but wiser. First off – no one believes you are more ‘pure’ than they are - we are all flawed after all. Secondly, no one who is worth a damn cares. Good for you – fuck off?
They start to have a much better grasp of what a good person looks like (flawed but good intentions, apologizes for mistakes, puts in efforts to land properly most of the time, owns their own shit, quick with a helping hand) and what a bad person looks like (never apologizes, plays the victim, clearly does not consider others, never gives and always takes etc.). And they understand what a fake person looks like (I’m perfect!).
I have seen so many people go down this path and find themselves unable to pivot and grow as it becomes the way in which they elevate themselves with others, their only claim to status. Their groups become ever more elitist, and ever less friendly, and ever smaller. It is a surefire path to being bitter and alone, unable to explore any number of things that are ultimately natural and human, for fear of reprisal. You will have built your own prison of quick judgment.
Instead of focusing on all the healthy ways of achieving status in a group (real life achievements, kindness, teamwork, effort and reciprocity, demonstrated value, friendship) they instead focus on Morality and Superiority, and so they are left unable to adapt when it stops working - it is their only tool. And because the story they tell others and that they project to the world is that they are perfect, they will always be the victim when something goes badly, they will always claim to be without fault or they will simply attack anyone who dares question their own conduct – and so they will never grow.
You cannot tell that story to the world and to yourself and then be capable of actually critiquing your own behavior and improving on it and growing from it. You won’t be capable of seeing the other person’s view and understanding that you can be wrong yourself. You will lose the concept of nuance, that people can be good but do bad, can be positive but act negatively at times. You basically are trying to force a cult - good luck with that.
This is where Grace can be so important. Instead of Judgment, and Purity tests, think instead of Acceptance and Understanding. Who do you want surrounding you later in life? A group that judges every negative thing you do in the harshest light? That casts out those who falter? Or a group that allows for people to err and be human, that allows for differences and variety in thoughts and views? That accepts 'flaws'. And when you inevitably fall from Grace (another use of the word!), as everyone does at some point (some of us three times a week or so…), who do you want to depend on? Those who can provide you space and understanding from which you can learn, grow and do better? Or those who will shut you out and shun you?
The online world seems to have weaponized this area even further and it is very easy to see ‘cliques’ and ‘groups’, especially in the polarized world of politics, that seek to control behavior and demand compliance. How you avoid this trap is to attack behavior like this whenever you see it in your social groups. If someone is acting like a gatekeeper, putting themselves above others and casting judgment, claiming superiority, it’s time for you to take them down a peg or three. Call that shit out, don’t allow it for a single second. Do not allow hypocrisy to take hold in your social circles or you will end up regretting it.
If someone is truly misbehaving in ways that are toxic and disruptive (for sure such people exist, I'm not suggesting otherwise) and continue to do so when warned, then yes, you will have to police them at that point and expel them if you must. Just understand how careful you should be in making those judgments of others and walking down that path, because ‘There but for the Grace of God go I” (see how versatile a word this is?!).
The term slippery slope exists for a reason, as does ‘don’t throw stones from glass houses’ and 1000 other sayings that attempt to warn of the folly of allowing this sort of behavior. This should be far down the list of actions you take, taken only when others have been exhausted. If you turn on others lightly, do not be surprised when the mob turns on you, and do not be surprised when more and more of your surroundings are made up of mobs.
In general, always look for those people with rough edges to surround yourself with in life. Those will be the people that offer you somewhere to grasp onto when you fall. The smooth and polished ‘perfect’ types you will find have nowhere to grip and will simply watch as you slip away. And they hide away the worst secrets of all, for they can never share them to the world and heal, and so they grow ever darker.
You may not agree with how another person lives their life (and they may or may not care) but that is a far different thing than neither of you acknowledging how you truly live your lives at all, trading only false faces. With transparency there still exists trust and the ability to understand and work with the other individual. With lies, its transactions only and a knife in the back the moment it’s advantageous.
When someone fucks up, remember that you fuck up too. When someone shows imperfection, think of all the imperfections you hide away from the world. When someone hurts and bleeds and flails with emotion, think of a time when you have done the same.
Lead with Grace, not Judgment, with Love and Understanding and not Spite and Malice. And remember that those who climb hierarchies through ‘moral superiority’ will find themselves alone at the top of a mountain that everyone decent left long ago, to other far greater heights. They will find themselves on top of Mount No One Gives A Fuck. A lonely sight for sure.
Much love as always,
Nick